By Fluffy Bates-Lawson
Siam

A Pekinnese was injured today when a typically dressed Siamese cat suddenly attacked him on a commuter bus in downtown Siam this morning. The attack is thought to be in revenge for a canine-feline incident that occured yesterday.

The aftermath of the scene was a shambles, the commuter bus deserted, trails of cat nip toys, feathers, and doggy bones lay strewn accross the street as the morning riders ran in terror.

"I thought something wasn't right when I noticed that the Siamese didn't have a collar. That's when I grabbed my husband and exited

By Tabitha Felini
New York

Carpet loving cat-nappers beware! The cushy world of deep pile, plush, wall to wall, is no longer safe for idle dreaming and the all important sleeping. A recent surge in appliance violence is the reason.

"It hasn't been this bad since the invention of the up-right Electrolux Model in the late sixties" said Chief of Police, Biscuit Poof-Ball Schwartz at yesterday's emergency news conference. "We're seeing a sharp increase in vacuum incidences. We believe that part of the problem may be due to the recession. People at home with idle time are more inclined to spend money they don't have on gadgets and doo-dads."

Yesterday's attack on Boots Garcia of 204 Prospect Park W., Brooklyn, is a typical case in these hard, dust free times. Boots was drifting off in her customary spot in the sunny spot under the window when something accidentally set off the Dirt Bag Vacuum.

"It was horrible!" Said Boots, "I was having this wonderful dream about getting take-out cat-nip cakes when all of the sudden there's this red monster chasing me down the hallway! Thank Goodness for Super Cat!"

Yes, indeed, thank goodness for Super Cat! Super Cat heard Boot's call of distress and responded in seconds. There was a tight moment when the hero's tail was sucked in by the grasping hose of the monster, but in the end a hero prevailed.

But what's a feline to do if there's no Super Cat or Super Hero to be found? This columnist would like to question our home appliance laws. Perhaps it's time to suck up our need for gadgetry and pay more attention to safety. Let's pull the plug on these ridiculous, out dated, home appliance codes. It's time to change the bag.




 

By Figi Brown
London, England

In an incident remarkable for its unremarkable-ness Mr. Sniffles is again in hot water. This photo of the troubled star was released to the press early this morning by an anonymous source who referred to themself only as "Tweety".

Mr. Sniffles was picked up for questioning and was released on $5 bail. Mr. Sniffles could not be reached for comment and his agent released this comment: "Mr. Sniffles wishes to express his sincere regrets to the bird community. He is deeply apologetic for any mental anquish he may have caused to the bird in question and his family."

Mr. Sniffles is a well known Kittywood actor with a long history of troublemaking and carousing. He has been in questionable situations before involving yowling, shredding leather sofas, and eating the dog's food. Mr. Sniffles is a two time Tom Cat Cinema award winner, and a recipient of six Feline Film Felicitation nominees. His early films include "Sardine Love", "What's a Tom to Do?", and "Tender as Tuna".

  the bus." said one rider who wished to remain anonymous.

Pekinese - Siamese relations remain tense today as Mr. Bittles and Zsa-Zsa must each decide how to best represent their constituents at the summit meeting scheduled for later this afternoon. cont. pg. B4


By Mr. Bones
Washington

The much debated cat-nip tax is unnavoidable. So say Democats, Plutocats, and Replubcanines. In an unnusual meeting of party minds, house leaders gathered today after a 12 hour no-nap meeting to make a statement to the press.

"With the budget in such a dire state, we see no alternative than to raise the tax on luxury goods such as Nepeta cataria [Cat-Nip], squeaky mice, and all other chewy toys.

Representatives from the Cat-Nip industry could not be reached for comment. Although it is commonly known that they have been lobbying strongly agaisnt the pro-Nip-tax efforts.
cont. pg. A15